The New One


I never expected to meet him. He was at a party a my friend's house. I remember him looking at me from the other side of the room and we would share glances. I didn't think too much of it at the time. I was still in a relationship with the ex. After the party was over my friend, his brother and wife and I all decided to go to some local bars. T (as I'll call him) and I talked a little bit but nothing that made me think of anything. He added me on Facebook and sent me 2 comments and that was it. A month went by, I was single at this point and he sent me a message on there asking if I was going to being going out on the town with the same mutual friend. I told him I wasn't sure but to text me and gave him my number. I decided to go out and had such a blast. He told me he was going to text me the next day because he was going out of town for a wedding and want to keep himself occupied. He did text me actually that entire day/night and he even asked me out for July 4th Fireworks a whole month away. LOL. From that day on, we talked (texted) every single day, often times for hours. He liked the same TV Shows, Music, Movies, Beliefs, Foods, etc. He believed in me for American Idol and wanted the best for me. About 2 weeks after we started talking all the time, we went out on "first official date". We had pretty much already gone on one the weekend prior but he told me we had to go on an official one. Everything was great. Really Great. For the first time after the ex, I felt like I could be with someone else and I felt like this could be something really great. I met his parents and brothers and sisters and everyone loved me. He met my friends and loved them and they loved him. We both were busy but when we saw each other (which was at least 2 times a week) we had the most fun. It was fun to just sit and relax with someone. Not having to always be on the go but to just sit and enjoy each other's company. We were on the same page and it was so nice to have someone who liked the same things I did and understood me. Often times we would sit there and just say I feel like I've known you forever. It felt like magic to be quite honest.

After weeks and weeks of this, I wanted to know what this was, what we were. He was going to be meeting my mom and brother and I was curious. A little back story: When we first met, he told me he had just gotten back from Charleston, SC and actually decided to move there with his brother and wife. I had told him that I had been thinking of living there and that was totally true. It was a possibility for me. He joked with me that I should move down there and I could live in the the townhouse they were getting. He told me that his brother and wife were going to put their house up for sale at the end of summer and once it sold they were all going to go. T mentioned to me at one point (and this is while he was drinking) that he told his brother that if he met the right girl he might stay. He winked at me when saying this. A few times I made mention of him moving and he would say that is the plan. Ok back to the story: He told me he wasn't sure what we were because his brother had put up the house and that he WAS going to move. He didn't want either of us to get hurt because he liked me so much. We talked about how neither of us were planning on meeting each other. He wasn't trying to get involved with someone when he knew he would be leaving. He told me that he had never met anyone like me that I was so awesome to him and amazing and how he felt like he known me for so long. I told him what if I was planning to move since I had already talk to him about this, and to just see how things go until he has to move. You never know when a house is going to sell and honestly in this market, it isn't the best. I asked him what if the move was never even put on the table, then what would we be. He told me without a doubt, you'd be my girlfriend. 100% without a doubt, you're amazing and we connect so well. You are so much like me and we have the best of times. It was nice to hear however the sting in my heart of a even the thought of him not sitting next to me hurt like hell. We weren't in each other's game plans but everything seemed to just fall into place so naturally. He is more conservative and cautious. I'm a risk taker and think life is too short to be super cautious. We didn't get to finish our conversation that night (some weird person was standing outside listening to us) so we decided to talk about it again later.

That weekend he met my mom and brother. Everyone hit it off really well. We tried to talk about the issue again however, we were both drinking and having a good time and both said we would talk about it the next week. He spent the night with me and woke up just like every Sunday before. We laughed and joked with each other and had such a good time. I remember dropping him off at his car that Sunday afternoon, telling him I hope I get to see you this week and his reply most definitely you will. We talked that evening, all day Monday and all day Tuesday. Tuesday evening he worked late and we were texting for a little bit since I had just woken up from a nap. Like every other evening I asked him what he was watching on TV that evening and he told me LOL nothing yet, going to to hop in the shower. I wrote back and said sounds good, text me when you get out :) Another back story: Both of our phones decided not to work random times, he would receive texts and calls but couldn't respond, etc Onto the story again: When I didn't hear from him after an hour I texted him to let him know the show we had been wanting to watch for weeks now was on. I got nothing. So about 40 minutes later, I texted and asked if he was receiving my messages because my phone was going crazy. I got Nothing. I figured he either fell asleep or the phone wasn't working. Ironically around this same time that I texted him, someone friend-ed him on FB that was a girl. Now who knows who initiated it or it was just random that it was at that same time, but it was weird. He doesn't have the internet at his house and his phone can't reach internet signals at his house. No matter if one of us couldn't get a hold of the other or if we had been talking the whole day/night, we would always text when we were going to bed: Goodnight babe. Can't wait to talk to you tomorrow. Sweet dreams. Mwah :) It was the standard thing at this point. So that's what I did. I texted him that and told him that if I didn't hear from him I would try calling since I knew his phone might not be working. That Wednesday, he was off work and so I figured I'd hear from him later on in the day telling me he fell asleep or that the phone was finally working. But I continued to receive nothing. I tried calling once in the afternoon and then once in the evening. Nothing. I texted him saying I was just making sure he was ok and to text me back to let me know he was alright. I got Nothing. I know he's alive, he checked in to some place the other day on his FB. But I haven't heard from him since. His friends can't figure it out and I can't either. The only thing I can think of is that he got scared of the commitment, was scared to get to close to get hurt when he moves.  That's the only thing I can think of. I just wish he would picked up the phone or texted me and told me. Not have me worried and left to feel emptiness. I feel no closure, only loneliness and heartbreak. I look at things, see things, hear things and think about him. I keep hoping that he'll realize I'm the one and come back but I know that's reaching really far out there. I felt better this past weekend. I was able to try to move on from it. Even was asked out on a date and accepted it. However the date had to cancel due to a emergency in his family. I was fine and felt like ok, let's move on, until last night. I was with my friend Amy and we were eating. I was going on FB and thought I would check on his FB. That's when I saw that he was alive and well, checking in to a place, and some girl posted on his wall. I instantly felt my world crush. All the walls I built up around me thinking I was fine came to a crushing halt. I lost it. After we left dinner, I just drove around crying and listening to sad songs. How could someone who was only in my life for 2 months do that to me? Make me feel that way? I'm angry at myself for allowing me to get to that point and I'm sad and feel so alone. I don't get it and I don't think I ever will. There's so much I want to say to him about things I've seen or heard so much that was left unsaid. It completely hurts more so than even the ex. Maybe because with the ex I knew it was coming. This is so blindsided so wierd and random that I just feel empty.

I know in time, the pain will fade and I can move on to a person who is like him but actually would call me or text me and let me know what's going on and will not hurt me. I know this but it still hurts like hell right now....

The Break-Up


No this is not a recap of the movie made famous by Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughen. This is the real life, true story of how and what happened to the boy I thought I was going to marry.

I'm not going to into all the details of how we met and fell in love. If you have read anything from my previous blog you know that. If you didn't all you need to know if that I loved B (as we will call him) with all my heart. I thought we was "the one" and truly pictured a life with him.

Now a little backstory: B is super athletic. Works out all the time and does Triathlons. Not a bad thing however he would miss family get togethers and friend outings because he "had" to work out. It would get annoying. When he first met me I was just starting on Weight Watchers and was trying to work out. I have endrometriosis and have had the condition for years. Sometimes it hurts to work out and it was getting worse through the years. (Just had my 3rd surgery in July)

Rewind to March 2011:
B tells me that I need to lose weight through a text message at 2:30 in the morning. I'm not going to go into details but this happened while he was drunk. We talked about it and I thought things were fine.

2 weeks later:
New text messages about my weight.

Needless to say this didn't stop. He started treating me like an animal that if I lost some more weight he would take me on vacations and stuff as a reward. Meanwhile I'm in pain every single day and I was in WW losing weight. I didn't put on more than 10 pounds and he didn't like it.

Near the end he started drinking a ton more and started to become more verbally abusive towards my weight. We stayed together for as long as we could. We didn't really talk anymore or hang out anymore only when we had social gatherings that we had already told people we were going to. I felt like this celebrity couple who was just staying together for the cameras. Few close friends knew what was really going on behind closed doors but not many. I kept thinking something would change and things could back to the way they were.

However in June he called me up, 5 minutes before he was going into work to break up with me. It came as a shock considering I dated this man for 3 years and he ends it on the phone. Needless to say I was heartbroken however I realized that it was for the best since I was getting abused and it was getting worse each and every day. I couldn't eat a single thing without him yelling at me later for it. I wanted to end it too but was fearful of how things would go. He would drink every night and I was scared something would happen if I ended it.

He still tries to text me and calls me saying he made a mistake and that he still loves me. He tried to rein me back in and then is horribly mean to me 5 minutes later. We haven't seen eachother. He wants to see me and I'm totally against it. I do not love him anymore. I am scared for him however. He has turned into a person I hardly know anymore, a drunk, a hateful person who has no compassion for anything. It's a horrible thing watching someone you once loved spiral down. As much as it hurts to watch, I can't be put in that position again. I can't do it and I won't do it.

I never once thought I was the type of person who would stay in a relationship where I was getting abused. I always said if I'm getting abused I would get out as fast as I could. I guess it's a lot harder than it seems when you are in that actual relationship. I was so mad at myself for letting me go through this pain and torture daily. It was a horribly painful thing to realize. I think that hurt the most than knowing the relationship was over. I had to come to terms that I was in a abusive relationship and that I needed out. My best friends help me with this "coming to terms" thing and really helped me through those months before it all ended.

It still is this huge shock to me that this all happened however I feel more powerful now more than ever and I'm doing things I want to do. I'm healing and I have met someone new. Someone who supports me and understands me. I wanted to clear the air and actually let people know what happened. It wasn't easy and certainly not good for awhile but on the other side is greener pastures.

This is just the beginning to a better, healthier life....


It's Been Awhile


I took a little blogging break for awhile. Sorry guys if anyone is still reading this anymore. I got busy with life and we all know how that is. I kept wanting to write but not to much would come out because I was so busy I couldn't even think.

Much has happened since my last time blogging. So much has happened. Let me try to recap the best way I can. If I forget anything I'll try to add it later.
Let's do this bullet point style:
  • The holidays were great! Lots of Love by families.
  • Went to Pittsburgh for New Year's Eve and it was quite the experince
  • Have been working a ton (3 jobs)
  • June-The boyfriend and I broke up after almost 3 years together. (More on that later)
  • Met a new boy
  • July-Auditioned for American Idol (More on the later)
  • July-Had surgery for endrometriosis
So that pretty much sums up some of my time away. Been working like crazy and just trying to enjoy life.

I'll be updating in the next few days.

Stay tuned,
Until next time, Sarah